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Health & Fitness

Drunk Driver Leads Cops on Car Chase to Finish Big Mac

Drunk Driver Leads Cops on Car Chase to Finish Big Mac:  A drunken Ohio man admitted to police that he led them on a car chase in order to buy enough time to finish the Big Mac he had just purchased.  Police say he was driving so fast, it was hard to catsup with him.  Guess that’s what happens when you get that pickled.  

Chemist Who Created Wrinkle-Resistant Cotton Dies:  Ruth Benerito, the government chemist who lead the team that created wrinkle-resistant cotton, has died at age 97.  Friends remember that while her clothes never had wrinkles, it was always kind of a shame that they couldn’t the same about her face.

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New Super-Potent Meth Found at Texas Middle School:  Authorities in Texas have launched an investigation into the origin of a brand new, never seen before, super-potent form of meth that wound-up in the hands of some Texas City middle schoolers.  In response, local officials are cautioning drug dealers “don't meth with Texas.” 

Michael Douglas Says He Really Has Tongue Cancer:  Michael Douglas admitted on David Letterman that he lied about having throat cancer, revealing that he actually has is tongue cancer.  Well, let’s hope that now, he’ll finally be able to lick it.

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Vatican Misspells Jesus on Commemorative Medals:  Thousands of commemorative medals issued by the Vatican to celebrate Pope Francis’s first year of papacy had to be withdrawn after it was noticed that “Jesus” was misspelled “Lesus.”  Lesus Christ, can't anyone get anything right anymore?

Elephant Named Patience Kills Zookeeper:  A 9,000 pound asian elephant with a history of aggression named Patience fatally crushed a 62-year-old zookeeper in Missouri.  And this is precisely why if I ever worked in a zoo, I’d only consider working in the hamster enclosure.

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